Waiting

I'm hopeless at waiting. I blame my mother. I try and help Kit be better at waiting than I am. I hope I succeed.

Yesterday I felt a bit out of sorts all day - more as the day went on. In music I had to be 'teachers aid' to Hannah quite a lot as the lessons are getting a bit harder for her now. She still has fun but I was out of sorts - started to think resentfully of the other parents there - with their one typical child and here I am - no time to sit back and watch their achievements - I have to try and make Kit feel like I am watching him and ready to help him and I have to help Han actually get some of the activities done. I try to be as unobtrusive as possible. I know things aren't good when I start to have these sorts of thoughts. Once we were home I tried to make some pasta dough as I wanted the kids afternoon activity to be with the pasta maker - it didn't turn out... so I did what I had been avoiding - confronted why I was feeling grumpy. Lucky for me just as I was about to deal with it by taking the twins to the park a good friend asked us out to a local cafe with her kids so I was able to chat with her - and you know - anxiety shared is so much better to deal with!

So why was I out of sorts, grumpy and anxious? Silly I know but for the past two weeks I have been watching that letter box. Nothing. I am waiting on the report of the psychologist and pediatrician for Hannah's assessment. I know the summed up result - but I need to see what is actually there in black and white. This is the document which will 'sum her up' to many of those who read it. I want to know what it will say at the same time as I am resenting the need for any such report at all. As usual it won't bring any extra support (well is not likely to!) yet Hannah has to be 'put on show' summed up and found wanting yet again. I know as a teacher that what we say face to face tends to be more diplomatic and 'nicer' than what we might include in a written report - done without the pressure of anxious eyes watching. And so I worry. On Monday the ped rang me because she was trying to finalise the report so it could be sent out. So now I know that the last week's watching was in vain - this week's watching and waiting for the postie continues - I hope it comes today. I want to open it, read it, be done with it.

On Thursday the principal and special ed support person (I really must find out her proper title if the kids go to school in that system) from my preferred school are going to go and stare at Hannah while she is at preschool. Measuring, evaluating - found wanting. Oh I know it is good that they are that interested and that it bodes well for them preparing well for her transition to school but still it hurts. I wish it didn't have to be this way.

On a more positve note I did get in Monday's post a lovely parcel of books from the DSA on inclusive education - these both scare me and give me hope - depending on my mood.